Blood, sperm and tears

“When you sell sperm for a living, it’s not unusual for your emails to end up in the spam folder!”

Those were the words of the super nice (and clearly humorous) R.N. from Outreach Health Group, who I spoke with yesterday.

I created an account with them on the weekend – granting me a free 7-day trial of online sperm donor sifting (more about that later!).

After signing up, I received a welcome email, outlining some helpful services available to women like me who are just getting their sea legs as far as sperm selection goes.

I called their office yesterday, requesting a booking for their Mini Consultation, which includes:

• Exclusive donor profile access for Canadian clients
• A one hour consultation with a Client Specialist via telephone or Skype.
• Photo Matching of my physical features.
• Donor Matching: up to 12 donor profiles selected just for me based on my specific criteria.

I thought, sure, why the hell not? This is all new to me, and as helpful as the online forums and groups have been, I still have questions. Show me to the sperm experts!

We set a Skype consultation for the afternoon of February 1st, before which I have to fill out the Donor Criteria Form, and of course, the payment form, which we hoped would appear in my inbox, and not my spam.

I sent her a few photos of myself for the Photo Matching, as well as the completed forms.

Donor Criteria went something like this:

Race/ethnicity: Caucasian. Skin tone: Fair. Hair colour: Blond, Brown or Red. Blood type: … Wait, what? Should I care about the donor’s blood type?! Do I even know my own blood type? I know it’s A-something. I forget if it’s positive or negative, because when I was told, I was near unconscious.

Allow me to elaborate: some years ago, when I first began my volunteer work in mental health awareness, I attended a mental wellness fair at UofT Mississauga. While manning the Right By You suicide prevention campaign table, I noticed Canadian Blood Services had a booth. I told the other volunteers I was going to go over and find out my blood type, because I didn’t know.

I sat in the chair, and looked away when the Blood Lady pricked my finger. She proceeded to squeeze my fingertip, coaxing out my blood. A tiny amount smeared on the strip, but not enough. So she kept pinching and squeezing. I watched her hands as they tried to pull blood from under my skin. All of a sudden, my whole body went hot, and all the sounds in the room faded away as if background noise.

This is what it feels like before you faint, I thought. The Blood Lady looked up at me, then turned to her partner and demanded a cup of water. I’m going to assume enough of her victims have passed out before, so she knew the signs.

They had me put my head between my legs, and drink some water. Eventually, my body reset itself to a normal state, and she had somehow managed to get enough sanguine liquid out of me to declare my blood type was A… something! Negative? Positive? I haven’t a clue. But I do remember almost hitting the floor in the gym of UTM.

As I recount this tale, I’m now wondering, how am I going to give birth if I can’t stay upright for a finger prick?

Can I be given some laughing gas or a sedative in addition to an epidural? Can they just go in and retrieve the baby? How do we do this with the least amount of blood possible?

I’ve gone way off track here.

Back to the criteria. Is it possible that two certain blood types are no good mixed together, like oil and water? See, this is why I need this consult. I can’t possibly ask these asinine questions to other SMCs in the online groups. They’ll think I’m too dumb to procreate and set off an alarm or something. The sperm donor sheriff will show up at my door with some kind of sperm restraining order.

Ma’am, you’re officially blocked from all donor sperm due to the fact that you almost lethally combined blood type A+ with blood type O.

So I just put down No preference.

Another of the criteria that left me perplexed was Education and/or Employment. I thought, can I just put down “yes please”?

I mean, I don’t need University-educated sperm. I haven’t got an ideal GPA for these little swimmers. Just don’t drown.

As for employment… I mean… yes? I would like the donor to have a job. But I’m not dead set on specifics. It doesn’t have to be Teacher, Electrician, or Sales Executive sperm.

Ooooh, he’s great, but I see he’s an elevator mechanic. I’m only open to car mechanics. Darn. Otherwise, he would have been perfect.

Does that actually happen? I hope not, but you never know! I have heard of women for whom 6’4″ wasn’t tall enough.

I mean, at this point, I’m picking sperm because I haven’t yet been able to find the “right one” to build a life and procreate with. How picky should I be about his stuff, considering my selection pool is already somewhat limited, and there isn’t even an actual penis attached?

So, yes, employed, please. Is he happy with his job? That’s what I’d like to know.

I’d like my donor to be in a career he enjoys. I’d like him to be kind. Someone who loves his mom. Likes dogs. Holds the door for people. Patient (because I’m not). Preferably he’s a sports fan (note no Habs sperm allowed). Someone who sings in the car. Takes out the trash and empties the dishwasher. Cares about others. Didn’t vote for Trump (ok, kidding on that one. Sort of. But not really). Has a good sense of humor. Can bbq a good steak. Likes to camp. Someone self-confident but not cocky. Ideally, can properly use your and you’re. Someone who works hard at his job, someone who is happy.

Whether he’s happy swinging a hammer as a carpenter, or crunching numbers in a fancy office tower, I really don’t care.

But all that other stuff? That’s what matters to me.

Positively.