I am woman, hear me snore

I’m sitting here thinking, I should write about how tired I feel… but I’m too tired.

True story.

Remember last Thursday when I was all “I’m not tired like they’re describing at all…”?

How easy it was to keep my eyes open then. Take me back.

On Saturday afternoon, I was hit with the take-no-prisoners pregnancy fatigue.

At first I thought maybe I was just tired from the prenatal yoga J and I tried – meh, by the way. Too granola, new age-y for me… feeeeeel your blessing, we were instructed. All I can feel is stinging in my thigh, lady. Ain’t feeling no blessings in this position.

I did, however, feel the blessing of the killer strawberry scones we picked up after.

Yesterday, I woke up at 7am. I went grocery shopping. By 10 am I was back in bed, where I stayed – asleep – until 1pm.

Currently, I have just over an hour left in my workday, at which point I’ll be going straight to my bed. Like, get out of my way, Eglinton Avenue, I have a killer nap to take.

I’m. So. Tired.

I texted C yesterday to tell her I was hit with the fatigue. Having had 3 kids herself, she knew it was coming.

How in the world do you people do this with a toddler running around? I asked her.

It’s tiring, for sure, she said.

Tiring? You ladies are my fucking heroes, I told her.

Seriously.

Any woman out there who has been pregnant while another tiny human depended on her for survival is my personal hero. Wonder Woman. Super-frickin-girl. All those damn Avengers and Marvel dudes wrapped up in one sleep-hazed, sometimes vomiting, bloated, gassy, cocktail of a superhero.

Take a back seat, Iron Man. You ain’t shit.

Women, women are the shit.

I’m not even feeling half as bad as some women do – this, I know, having been spared any kind of morning, noon or night sickness. (This emetophobic thanks you, pregnancy God.)

Did ya’ll know there’s such a thing as pregnancy gingivitis? Seriously. The side effects from pregnancy are longer than one of the lists on those ironic American-drug company commercials. You know the ones, may cause rectal bleeding, organ failure, your dick to fall off, death…

Pregnancy gingivitis is legit. Hormonal changes increase blood flow to the gum tissue and cause gums to be more sensitive, irritable, and swollen.

Nasal congestion, too. And headaches. I’m not sure if my allergies are kicking in, or it’s just your good ‘ol run of the mill pregnancy sinus problems. All I know is I can’t take my Sinutab.

Frequent urination. Constipation. Weird dreams. Restless leg syndrome. Round ligament pain – a nice way of describing the pain one can feel while their abdomen almost cracks itself in half to allow for another human to grow.

Gas. Like I needed any more help in that department.

Leg cramps. Skin darkening. Increased vaginal discharge. Dizziness. Visible veins.

Mood swings. Jeez, I wonder why.

Backaches. Forgetfulness. Dry, itchy, sensitive eyes. Increased sweating. Stretch marks. Itchy belly. Nosebleeds. Insomnia.

Shortness of breath. Hip pain. Heartburn. Leaky boobs. Hair growth, and not just on your head.

Swollen ankles and feet. Hemorrhoids. Brittle nails. Blurry vision.

What I find most shocking about this list (and that’s not even all of it), is that I have rarely heard women complain about it. They could be leaking from multiple places, barely awake, unable to see, hairy, achy and dizzy, and you wouldn’t know. Maybe someone does (like their partner) – but I don’t recall many of my friends spending 9 months complaining about how terrible they feel.

They just get on with it. Bleeding gums and all.

Superheroes.

Fighting through 40 weeks of discomfort, exhaustion, inconvenience, and aches to culminate with one final, painful act: labour and birth.

I hear it’s worth it, though.

And I’m counting on it.