So you wanna be a sperm donor…

Yesterday afternoon, I had my mini consultation via Skype with the owner of Outreach Health Group, the – for lack of a better term – sperm store I’ve selected.

It is illegal to be paid for sperm in Canada, so there is very, very little Canuck sperm to be had. Sad face.

Therefore, the majority of donated sperm comes from our Southern neighbours. As one friend soothed, the sperm isn’t genetically American.

Outreach Health Group was started in 1999 by a registered nurse who worked in Reproductive Medicine and experienced fertility issues & IVF first-hand. They are the exclusive Canadian distributor of Xytex, a US-based “leader in cryoservices and reproductive science”.

Xytex was the first sperm bank to offer adult photos of donors, and they also led the charge in genetic testing. They appear to be one of the most reputable facilities of their kind. Which is good – who wants the Dollarama of sperm banks?

More than anything yesterday, I learned a ton about sperm donation! I mean, I had no idea how extensive it was.

A common belief, and one I shared, is that men simply jerk off into a cup and walk out with a fist full of cash. Hopefully after washing their hands.

Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Of course I assumed they test for diseases, etc. They can’t just be handing out spoiled samples all over the place. We’re not having a one-night stand with this sperm, we’re selecting it by hand, carefully combing through all the donor’s characteristics. Healthy is not only a must-have, it’s regulated.

Regulations – let’s talk about those, shall we? The Outreach donor program is “fully compliant with applicable Health Canada Semen Regulations, the Assisted Human Reproduction (AHR) Act and the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA). They are recognized by Health Canada as an importer and distributor of human semen for assisted reproduction.”

That’s a mouthful. No pun intended.

Come on, you didn’t really expect me to get through any of this without semen jokes, did you?

Back to the regulations. I had no idea how intensive a process it is to donate sperm. It was never something I needed to know, or questioned. But I learned a hell of a lot yesterday and I feel this blog, among other things, was created to share such knowledge.

First, it doesn’t pay any kind of jackpot. Men are compensated with approximately $150 per donation. And if you ask me, they earn every cent for that sperm.

First, they fill out extensive documents, providing all physical attributes right down to whether their earlobes are attached or detached, information about their personality, their interests, their education, and an entire Myers-Briggs (Keirsey) temperament report. Then they provide not only their own medical conditions and that of their parents, but also their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and any children of their own.

There are seven pages of possible medical conditions. From club foot and undescended testicles, to all types of cancers, meningitis, multiple sclerosis, and eczema. If you can think of a medical condition or disease, it’s on there.

As an aside, does anyone know what Maple Syrup Disease is? Asking for a friend.

A one-on-one with the medical director follows the screening tests. At this point, they look for any indications of dishonesty, motives for donating, level of comfort with the process, etc.

All of the donor’s educational transcripts are verified for accuracy. So Johnny who works at McDonald’s can’t get away with pretending he has a master’s in Engineering and works for NASA.

Next, the donor moves on to a psychological assessment, then a criminal background check.

Donors have to maintain a healthy, clean lifestyle, as they’re regularly checked for HIV, all sexually transmitted diseases, Hepatitis B & C, and even bacterial growth in their semen.

The sperm banks are so strict about the quality of the sperm they provide, that if a donor has received a tattoo in the last year, they must provide a certificate of sterility from the tattoo parlor.

Extensive genetic testing is performed as well, and it expands as technology and genetic knowledge advances. Donors are tested whether or not they are carriers for multiple conditions.

If any results are positive, further genetic testing is performed.

If all genetic tests come back negative, the sperm is then held for six months time. After those six months, the donor will return to be checked for the same diseases and conditions as before. Only when the donor checks out as healthy at this time is the sperm released to be used, and the donor paid.

According to Outreach Health Group, out of every 100 donors, only 3-5 are accepted.

Doesn’t sound like the easiest way to make some cash, does it?

Granted of course, a man can donate multiple times once he’s through all the checkpoints, but they must maintain an expected lifestyle and comply with regular health checks. On average, a donor spends about 2 years in the program.

There you have it. Now you know as much about sperm donation as I do!

Oh, a couple more fun facts:

• There is no tax on semen units
• Semen contains 20-60 million sperm per milliliter
• Semen can be purchased washed or unwashed; washed semen has had all seminal fluid washed away: urinary proteins, white blood cells… nothing but the sperm is left.
• A unit of sperm costs between $655 and $935.

Based on the donor criteria I supplied before the consultation, and information I provided during our chat, I’ll be sent a selection of donors that align with my preferences, and meet certain medical stipulations (for example, because I have diabetes on both my paternal and maternal sides, they will look for donors who do not have diabetes in their family.)

I was also asked which celebrities I find attractive, and what qualities I look for in a partner.

It’s like I have my very own eHarmony match maker, but without any of the work or bad dates. Tinder for sperm, if you will.

Time to swipe right.