Legs up, baby, legs up

I thought I better get on here and provide an update, since I’m receiving multiple text messages from friends stating simply, Well?!

Saturday morning was insemination numero uno. Whether it will be my one and only remains to be seen; on Thursday, April 18th I’ll go to the clinic for a blood test and find out if one of those little swimmers crossed the fertilization finish line.

If yes, they start me on some progesterone to support the early stages of pregnancy. If no, I start monitoring all over again at the beginning of my next cycle. Straight to blood work and ultrasounds – do not pass go.

I had to drink a liter of water an hour before the insemination. Luckily, my friend A came with me and our constant chatter in the car kept me distracted from my increasingly full bladder.

They tell you it’s a 5-10 minute procedure, but the actual insemination process itself was maybe 90 seconds. Literally. Wham bam thank you ma’am.

Laying on the table with a paper sheet over my waist-down nakedness, the doc presented me with a report that stated the vial he had in hand contained 14.32 million sperm, with a 32% motility rate. According to the doc, this is “perfect”. 32% motility didn’t sound so great to me, but apparently there’s some cumplicated (see what I did there?) calculation they run in andrology, comparing number of sperm to milliliters of sperm, then they calculate in motility rate, and the morphology of the sperm, yadda yadda yadda. This all went way over my head. I tried to look it up just now to offer some further education, but gave up when I ended up on a website called dontcookyourballs.com.

I also confirmed the vial was of the correct donor – yup, that’s the number, I replied, after second guessing myself and asking A to confirm.

He opened the small vial and carefully transferred its contents into a thin tube – the catheter.

Why do I have to drink the liter of water? I asked him.

His response, and I paraphrase: the bladder is the next-door neighbour of the uterus, so if the bladder is full, it will push down on the uterus, altering its shape, somewhat flattening it out. This not only makes it easier for him to insert the catheter, but most importantly, makes it as easy as possible for the swimmers to make their way to the Fallopian tube, by eliminating any additional obstacles. Like turning a corner. Lazy ass sperm.

I signed off on the paperwork, and we got down to it. Or, he got down.

I begrudgingly accepted the cold metal duck lips, and started to hear a tune in my head: “swim little spermies, swim if you can…”

It’s strange, the places your mind may wander while you’re being inseminated.

You may feel a slight cramp, he warned. I looked up at A and she mouthed You okay? I nodded and mouthed back I don’t feel anything.

It seemed like I blinked and then he said, Okay, all done!

You’re done? That’s it? I asked. Yup, that’s it, he said. Then, lay here for 10 minutes and then you can go.

Put your legs in the air, A instructed me, to which he responded, That’s a myth. Makes no difference. Good luck. Then he left the room.

Get your legs up! A demanded.

It’s a myth, I countered.

Legs! Up now! she urged.

I obliged, and lifted my sperm and egg socked feet in the air.

I did not stay like that for 10 minutes. Maybe one. Then before the 10 minutes was up, she made me lift for another minute or so. By that time, my need to pee was quickly increasing.

Now you’re up to date, and all there is to do at this point is wait.

Ten more days to go.

Until then, you’ve got to watch this short video.

I thought I knew most of what there was to know about reproduction, but this video teaches so much more… how the human body works and just knows what to do is truly astonishing.