Snoogling at 16 weeks

I never thought it would become more difficult to get up at the sound of my alarm at 6 am. Until…

The Snoogle, the mother of all pregnancy pillows.

This $90 curved cloud of delight (I got mine for $10 on Facebook Marketplace, thank you very much!) is so much more than a body pillow. It’s heaven.

But why, you may be wondering… apparently you’re not supposed to sleep on your back when you’re pregnant.

Just another thing I can’t do – like eat salami, which I’m dying for, by the way.

Experts say sleeping on your back puts the entire weight of the growing uterus and baby on your back, your intestines and your vena cava, which is the main vein that carries blood back to the heart from your lower body. And you’ll die.

Just kidding.

However, they (the all knowing pregnancy people “they”) say “this pressure can aggravate backaches and hemorrhoids and make digestion less efficient, interfere with circulation, and possibly cause low blood pressure, which can make you dizzy. Less-than-optimal circulation can also reduce blood flow to the fetus, giving your baby less oxygen and nutrients.”

Who wants to be the mom who started starving her child before it was even out of the womb. Not me; so Snoogle it is!

It keeps women from rolling onto their back during the night, and promotes sleeping on the left-side, which is the ideal position for me and baby-to-be. It “allows for maximum blood flow and nutrients to the placenta, less pressure on the vena cava (there’s that damn vena cava again) and enhances kidney function, which means better elimination of waste products and less swelling in your feet, ankles and hands.”

But wait – there’s more! So many ways to Snoogle!

Ooof – my eyes just caught sight of the word “episiotomy” and I shuddered.

Whoever said pregnancy was glamorous must have been a guy.

Because mucus plug. How’s that for glamorous?

One of my near-the-end pregnant friends recently lost hers. Lost? It’s not like she misplaced it, like a set of keys.

Honey! Have you seen my mucus plug? I can’t find it.

Did you check the freezer?

While my other labour-any-day-now friend got to enjoy a stretch and sweep.

These are the things I have to look forward to: becoming uncorked before I’m cut like a slice of deli meat. Which I also can’t eat, by the way.

I really shouldn’t complain. Sure, vagina hell is coming; but up to now, I’ve been pretty lucky.

I mean, so lucky I’m wondering if there’s actually anything going on in there.

Apparently, since the wee pear’s heart is pumping about 25 quarts of blood a day. That’s the size of it now, a pear. Bosc or Bartlett, they don’t say.

Some of the more advanced body systems are working now, including circulation and the urinary tract. The little rascal may even be playing with the umbilical cord — grabbing it and letting it go again. Glad I can’t feel that!

Tiny pores on the tongue have developed, and baby is tasting and swallowing salty amniotic fluid as practice for future meals. Teeny bones are even developing in baby’s ears, which means they can hear my voice. Does that mean I have to stop cursing?

I fucking hope not.